Playing hard to get is a flirtatious, natural, fun, sometimes difficult and intimidating course of attack. Cat-and-mouse is a natural high in the dating scene, and the rules of playing hard to get seem to be as follows: A gal or guy feels inclined to give off a somewhat "uninterested" vibe. It is exhilarating when your suitor works for your attention; after all, nothing absolutely spectacular was ever easily accessible. And both the chase and catch feel good! Working the confidence trump card shows you have your priorities in line and know what you want.
Pulling it out of the deck and revealing it at the right time is just plain old attractive. Playing hard to get can provide the opportunity for both parties to observe and determine if there is potential for a serious relationship, or if the other person is just looking for a meaningless hookup and booty call.
Researchers studied the question: "When does playing hard to get increase romantic attraction? The study involved two experiments to find out how playing hard to get influences certain situations.
Below is the proof from the study that playing hard to get actually works, and if you learn how to play the game right you will be quite successful. Participants interacted with what they believed to be another research participant of the opposite-sex, but who was in reality an insider -- a member of the research team.
Next, participants rated the extent to which they felt the insider was hard to get, their perceptions of the insider's mate value e. In study 1 , participants interacted with study insiders whose online profile indicated that they were either hard to get or easy to attract.
The researchers discovered that participants who interacted with the more selective profile perceived the insider as more valued and therefore more desirable as a partner, compared to participants who interacted with less selective insiders who seemed easier to attract. In study 2 , the researchers looked at the efforts invested in pursuing a potential partner and whether such efforts would inspire heightened sexual interest.
Here participants were led to exert or not real efforts to attract the insider during face-to-face interactions. During the experiment, participants engaged in a conversation with another participant who was in reality a study insider.
The experimenter instructed participants and insiders to discuss their preferences in various life situations and presented a list of 10 questions e. The insider expressed a different preference from the participants to seven out of the 10 questions.
Participants in the hard-to-get group were told to try and resolve their disagreements. Using a fixed script, the insiders gradually allowed themselves "to be convinced" by the participants and eventually expressed agreement with the participant's position. That way, the researchers tried to make participants feel that they had invested efforts and that their efforts were eventually successful.
In the no-effort group, participants were instructed only to express their preferences and explain their point of view without trying to resolve the differences. That way participants didn't feel that the discussion involved exerting efforts to convince the insider.
The team found that not only selectiveness but also efforts invested in the pursuit of a mate rendered potential partners more valuable and sexually desirable than those were little effort was exerted.
Social psychologist Viren Swami highlights the findings in a blog post for Refinery In one study, male participants were told to phone up a woman who had been selected with a dating service and ask her out. Half the time, the woman would be busy and dismissive until finally accepting, and the other half of the time she would enthusiastically accept the invitation.
The men didn't seem to prefer the women who had less free time. In fact, there was no evidence at all that playing hard to get made them more desirable. Of course, this was the result under experimental conditions. When a man decides to go after a woman who is rebuffing his advances, it may be more nuanced than the fact they like her unavailability.
For example, they may have lusted after the same person for years regardless of their interest, or they may enjoy the thrill of the chase. In some cases, according to biologist and journalist Mairi Macleod, playing it too cool can mean you attract the wrong kind of people.
Erika Ettin, a dating coach and founder of dating site A Little Nudge told Business Insider that it's never a good idea to hide your feelings from a new date or partner. If you're busy and can't meet up with someone, that's one thing, but playing with someone's feelings because you think it will give you the upper hand is a waste of time.
Sure — to some people, both the people who only appreciate the thrill of the chase and the people who are a bit insecure already, so being aloof feeds on that insecurity," she said.
Playing hard to get could also mean you attract people who have an avoidant attachment style. These are people who act very self-sufficient, and only enjoy closeness on their own terms. They like to keep intimacy at bay, and only pursue people who seem disinterested. It sounds counter-intuitive, as you'd imagine most people would find comfort in a secure relationship.
But for some, the insecurity of not really knowing where a relationship is going feels familiar, and humans are creatures of habit. The study is published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.
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